Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Short story


The most important thing in my life is grammar and I hate it. I wasn’t good at grammar at school but I had to learn it. It was twenty-two years ago that I learned the rules of syntaxes, morphology, periods, structure and other tedious stuff. Since then my life has been a hell. Spelling, adjectives, vowels, prepositions, commas and many other grammar subjects don't let me rest. I try to enjoy a movie and grammar rules keep coming to my head telling me that the detective is using poor syntaxes. When I'm talking to a friend grammar appears again and indicates me that my friend is misusing words. The same happens when I'm reading a novel, the newspaper, watching television or hearing the radio.

The worst part is when I'm making love. Like yesterday when my girlfriend told me: “Love me forever, love me to much times.” I know that she was in the middle of a passionate moment but ‘much times’? Give me a break. But the most terrible part was when I stopped kissing her and I told her the grave grammatical mistake she had made. Instead of thanking me for the correction she become furious and threw me out of the bedroom! But what can I do? If Karen makes a grammar blunder I'm turned off immediately. Last month she told me: “Your eyes make me crazy.” I became incensed and yelled a few incorrect sentences to her. She didn’t care that I made so many mistakes, and that made me even more upset. Then I called her illiterate, plain, grammatical blooper and other strong adjectives. She got my point and we had a terrible fight. My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum: “get professional help or I don’t want to see you again.” I went to see a psychiatrist. Unfortunately the poor doctor speaks English as a horse; I just couldn't take him seriously. “You may be suffering grammatical stress” – he told me, he wanted to put me on Prozac. Yeah right, I’ll take Prozac if he goes back to remedial English in a community college. Now I want my Karen to see a grammar coach but she refuses, I think we are at a breaking point.

I don't blame my girlfriend. I know I have to change, I know grammar is not the most important thing in this life but I can't help, my brain is a grammar program. Maybe I should go to live in a desert island where I don't have anything to read or voices to hear. The problem is that I'm not a rich person, I don't have a way to support myself without working, and I’m just a poor editor.